Friday, October 22, 2010

My Life is Scaring Me


Do you ever pretend you're someone else? Or meet someone and think, "Damn, how cool would it be to be her?" Well, I do that alot. I've been doing it for years. I envy people who do their own thing, like open up a cool business or take their family on a year-long bike adventure. I've always wished I could be a stay at home mom and really learn to excel at just raising healthy, happy kids. I pretty much envy every single woman on earth who isn't a regular ole working stiff like me.

There are so many other people I'd like to be besides myself, that sometimes I spend weeks in a fantasy world, imagining what life could be. Working in a cubicle full time isn't usually part of this daydream, so when I come to, it's a harsh reality illuminated by florescent lights that stings like a paper cut. Is it healthy? I'm not sure. Can it be helped? Probably not.

I keep telling myself how much I have to be grateful for. A hubby that stays home with the kids. A good, stable job that puts food on our table. A nice place to live. Unfortunately, that angel on my shoulder is a low talker, and the devil on the other side has a megaphone. And this devil keeps saying, "You are better than the cubicle! Break free from the cubicle!"

So what's a girl to do? Sit happily in the cubicle? Daydream to make the days go by? Or become the people I envy -- quit my day job and take my family by bicycle around the continent? Well, what would you do? What keeps you going when you wish you could trade your life for someone else's?

And now, to add levity to the conversation, let me tell you a little story. As I sat with my 3-year-old the other night, in the hour or two between when I get home from work and when they go to bed, I learned a powerful lesson. This was the conversation:
Tot Pumpkin: "Mom, here." [handing me something]
Me: "What is that?"
Tot Pumpkin: "Here, you have it."
Me: "What is it, honey?" [starting to hold out my hand]
Tot Pumpkin: [no comment]
Me: "Where did it come from?" [as he deposits thing into my hand]
Tot Pumpkin: "My nose."

Yes, I was handed a booger. To which I thought, yeah, well, sometimes life hands you boogers. And you just wash your hands and get on with it.

3 comments:

Lisa at Lil Fish Studios said...

I don't have any particular advice for you, but I can tell you you're not alone. (about the booger-holding part too)

Jen said...

It probably won't make you feel any better, but some people out there think you made the right choice for yourself (and woman kind) being a working mama:
http://www.prospect.org/cs/articles?articleId=10659

p.s. Love the fangs!

Laura said...

I will tell you, what I often have to scream at myself:

you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

I would say most moms long to have another identity from time to time
I sure do
but the difference in becoming completely wrapped up in fantasy vs. simple envy is the fact that you are knowing..knowing your blessings...aware of the good in your life...no matter how unsatisfied you are in your life in your cubicle may be..you still know what matters.
this is huge

does the knowing take away from the longing?
not really
but I have to believe it helps

and if you ever want to swap lives, I am here for you!!!